The only word I can find that can suitably describe my emotional state right now...Is completely BROKEN...
I just received some news..........and I sat here..........not shocked.... as I had this premonition last night that the woman I am in love with would hear from her X, and indeed she did...I knew this last night...I was sitting here last night............... right here...and it hit me...........Miss Horse is going to contact the Professor...and what do u know...she did.........and apparently they are meeting in Spokane .............
I am writing this here as I truly have no place else to vent...........after the initial shock of it...and being told I have nothing to worry about...that this is something the Professor needs to do to truly move on...it hit me...........
I have been here.........2 other times...no make that 3.............3
I am numb.........I know how this works...........
And it just hit me...all the pain...the uncertainty...being scared, no terrified..........and I lost it...I am so happy my brother is asleep...cos If he would have walked in and seen his sister literally falling apart on her bedroom floor...well.........he would have been a bit devastated...all the hurt I went through with Dego and Teabag, and some of James.... just came rushing back again............and I lost it...I don’t think I have felt like this in 3 yrs..........and I am trying to pull it together as I have to go to work in an hour.......and when Nicole walks in everyone expects this strong-together,smart,confident woman to walk in...........
That’s who I have to be...
And today I’m not
I hate this day...and the way I am feeling and the fact I cannot seem to stop grabbing the box of Kleenex.........I want to go to the gym and just sweat this pain out of me..............for hours and hours............
I also keep thinking of Binks and how badly I NEED him to hold me right now...I keep listening to this song or CD he sent me............ Tommy Land...Hello Again & I need you...and it just makes me cry or sob more...............not becos it makes me sad, but becos his friendship is right now the only thing that I know would make me pick myself literally up off of the floor.............
I know I need to do this today...........fall apart............as I have so much to fucking do this weekend...and I don’t have time for the mental breakdown I am so desperately in need of...
I don’t know what this meeting will bring to the Professor and Miss Horse; I just know what I feel...........
I am happy she told me...and of course she has sent me MANY emails between her and the X...which I have to be honest, I didnt need to read............
I feel like I am invading ............imposing...........
I feel fatigued emotionally.
I know this may make no sense to my readers, but I spent the Professors 37th with her...I made this an incredibly romantic day for her..........
Yesterday she told me she loved me
Sunday she is going to see Miss Horse
Today I am dying...
Mr.C told last night this would happen...........I should learn to listen to him...I think from now on I will just keep him in my pocket.........and when I need to make a decision I will pull him out...........cos he is so RIGHT. Maybe becos he knows me so well............
I want so desperately to wake him up..........but I cant let him see me like this...cos trust me.............the reluctance he feels for the Professor will just increase............
I have to go and try and make myself look human again..............
I should have stayed @ work, but I wasn’t on the schedule until 2...so I left...and came home..........and received this news that has made every vulnerability I have come to the surface..........
I wish all you who think I am this unfeeling, uncaring, cold woman could see how bloody wrong you are............
This is WHY I have the WALL I have..........
I don’t dig pain
And pain don’t dig me
Trust...........
T R U S T
These 5 letters are all I have right now............
And my strength..............
Trust/strength
That’s what the next 3 days are going to be defined by for me.........
I will not allow this to break me and push me back into the person I used to be...I have aspired to be a good woman and I am...and I will take away whatever happens from this.........and use it to mold me even more
I have to
I just received some news..........and I sat here..........not shocked.... as I had this premonition last night that the woman I am in love with would hear from her X, and indeed she did...I knew this last night...I was sitting here last night............... right here...and it hit me...........Miss Horse is going to contact the Professor...and what do u know...she did.........and apparently they are meeting in Spokane .............
I am writing this here as I truly have no place else to vent...........after the initial shock of it...and being told I have nothing to worry about...that this is something the Professor needs to do to truly move on...it hit me...........
I have been here.........2 other times...no make that 3.............3
I am numb.........I know how this works...........
And it just hit me...all the pain...the uncertainty...being scared, no terrified..........and I lost it...I am so happy my brother is asleep...cos If he would have walked in and seen his sister literally falling apart on her bedroom floor...well.........he would have been a bit devastated...all the hurt I went through with Dego and Teabag, and some of James.... just came rushing back again............and I lost it...I don’t think I have felt like this in 3 yrs..........and I am trying to pull it together as I have to go to work in an hour.......and when Nicole walks in everyone expects this strong-together,smart,confident woman to walk in...........
That’s who I have to be...
And today I’m not
I hate this day...and the way I am feeling and the fact I cannot seem to stop grabbing the box of Kleenex.........I want to go to the gym and just sweat this pain out of me..............for hours and hours............
I also keep thinking of Binks and how badly I NEED him to hold me right now...I keep listening to this song or CD he sent me............ Tommy Land...Hello Again & I need you...and it just makes me cry or sob more...............not becos it makes me sad, but becos his friendship is right now the only thing that I know would make me pick myself literally up off of the floor.............
I know I need to do this today...........fall apart............as I have so much to fucking do this weekend...and I don’t have time for the mental breakdown I am so desperately in need of...
I don’t know what this meeting will bring to the Professor and Miss Horse; I just know what I feel...........
I am happy she told me...and of course she has sent me MANY emails between her and the X...which I have to be honest, I didnt need to read............
I feel like I am invading ............imposing...........
I feel fatigued emotionally.
I know this may make no sense to my readers, but I spent the Professors 37th with her...I made this an incredibly romantic day for her..........
Yesterday she told me she loved me
Sunday she is going to see Miss Horse
Today I am dying...
Mr.C told last night this would happen...........I should learn to listen to him...I think from now on I will just keep him in my pocket.........and when I need to make a decision I will pull him out...........cos he is so RIGHT. Maybe becos he knows me so well............
I want so desperately to wake him up..........but I cant let him see me like this...cos trust me.............the reluctance he feels for the Professor will just increase............
I have to go and try and make myself look human again..............
I should have stayed @ work, but I wasn’t on the schedule until 2...so I left...and came home..........and received this news that has made every vulnerability I have come to the surface..........
I wish all you who think I am this unfeeling, uncaring, cold woman could see how bloody wrong you are............
This is WHY I have the WALL I have..........
I don’t dig pain
And pain don’t dig me
Trust...........
T R U S T
These 5 letters are all I have right now............
And my strength..............
Trust/strength
That’s what the next 3 days are going to be defined by for me.........
I will not allow this to break me and push me back into the person I used to be...I have aspired to be a good woman and I am...and I will take away whatever happens from this.........and use it to mold me even more
I have to
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