Monday, April 18, 2005
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Calazone
Tonight we had Calzone from Pappa Jon’s take-n-Bake and let me tell you son... that is one helluva pizza pie. I am so bloody full right now I don’t know whether to throw up and pass out or pass out and throw up........either or.....I am too full for color TV. Speaking of TV...I just finished watching Smokey and The Bandit.....now I have seen this movie a zillion times.....but every time its on I find myself watching it like it was the first time.......I think its becos of the car.....the Trans Am muscle car....as a kid it was my dream car.......I swore to high heaven that I would have one when I grew up...and well I did .....sorta........I bought a 83 Camaro with 350 V8,dual exhaust, T-Tops with aluminum wheels when I was 21. It was ..as they say.....a bitchin Camaro......I remember getting 3 speeding tickets the first week of owning that crazy -cool- fast car......o how I had fun in me Camaro.........but as all things......it came to a screaming stop when it was stolen and literally blown up.......all I got back was the shell......all black and charred........even my wheels were melted and gooey.......was a sad end to a beautiful ride.
Lets see....what else do I have to Blog about today.......nadda really..........spent some quality time with the little brother........he went out last night and was sporting a hellashish hangover....too many shots of Crown and other alcoholic concoctions of different sorts... I pretty much made sure he drank plenty of fluids and ate..........and listened to those famous words of " I am never doing this again"
Sure
uh huh
Moving on....
I have been sleeping rather well lately which is all good.....it feels nice to wake up after a nice night of sleeping.....although my dreams have been a bit crazy and weird. I dreamt about me mom and Shocker last night......not a good combiantion..me mother didn’t like Shocker....so the dream was basically me trying to stop a feud which, as in life........wouldn’t have been an easy task to achieve......I don’t know what the dream signifies, I don’t believe in dreams having any real meaning anyway.........but I am open to debate as I try and have an open mind about everything. Until someone can prove to me that dreams have any meaning sides that of ones brain spewing out random images and emotions, I will just chalk them up to ........well......being what I said.....A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.....
So there you go.....
I must be off and finish a part of an assignment I have been avoiding. This next 11 days will be a bitch as I am going to be playing major catch-up.
story of my semester.
Lets see....what else do I have to Blog about today.......nadda really..........spent some quality time with the little brother........he went out last night and was sporting a hellashish hangover....too many shots of Crown and other alcoholic concoctions of different sorts... I pretty much made sure he drank plenty of fluids and ate..........and listened to those famous words of " I am never doing this again"
Sure
uh huh
Moving on....
I have been sleeping rather well lately which is all good.....it feels nice to wake up after a nice night of sleeping.....although my dreams have been a bit crazy and weird. I dreamt about me mom and Shocker last night......not a good combiantion..me mother didn’t like Shocker....so the dream was basically me trying to stop a feud which, as in life........wouldn’t have been an easy task to achieve......I don’t know what the dream signifies, I don’t believe in dreams having any real meaning anyway.........but I am open to debate as I try and have an open mind about everything. Until someone can prove to me that dreams have any meaning sides that of ones brain spewing out random images and emotions, I will just chalk them up to ........well......being what I said.....A series of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations occurring involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.....
So there you go.....
I must be off and finish a part of an assignment I have been avoiding. This next 11 days will be a bitch as I am going to be playing major catch-up.
story of my semester.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Happy
I am using this today as a way to get out what I am currently feeling...well I use this venue everyday as a way to get out what I am currently feeling...
I actually borrowed this from someone's Blog today as it totally reflects my current mood...
Here it is...
The way I currently perceive me....
How I C ME
How I FEEL ME.....
Here I am......
In all MY splendor...
have you ever taken a step or two back and came to the most absurd realization that the person you think you are, is in fact a lie?
have you ever taken the blanket that covers your lies, your insecurities, your fucked up realities away and saw… nothing?
have you ever just wanted so badly to just be who everyone else can be. Live how everyone else can live. Breathe a breath at a time.
have you ever had someone tell you you look well, happy. And want to slap them for lying to your face.
have you ever said out loud that you just need to be alone. When in reality you are lonely.
have you ever wanted to just stop.
just, fucking stop.
Moving on........
I had another not so nice convo today with Shocker......so I asked NB for some advice regarding my current shocking situation......she told me I should walk away as there are more things about Shocker that bug me than good.......which I guess in a sense is true. I mean.......there are things that just simply BUG me so much that I literally want to throw the phone across the room 68% of the time we are chatting up my minutes. But the remaining 32% of the time things are pretty copasetic. Is 32% enough? I don’t know........I just don’t know anything at the moment. All I do know is that I am not happy. ......and when one is with someone or sort of with someone that should be one's state of grace shouldn’t it?
Happy.
Happy?
Do we really get happy from the relationship we are in? Isn’t happiness a state of mind? Doesn’t happiness reflect what we really feel about ourselves? I have always thought so.........I have never been one to rate my current happiness by the relationship I am in at any given moment. I have never looked to another to make me happy nor have I ever allowed myself to be someone's happy whore...I believe that in order to be truly happy one needs to like oneself ...then and only then...can one offer themselves 100% to another and be HAPPY in a relationship..........
So I guess I have answered my own question now haven’t I?
I am currently not HAPPY with mlyfe (MY LIFE)…..and until I am ……I am not capable of giving someone else anything positive. or anything that resembles a happy relationship.
I truly believe this is so blatantly obvious when Shocker talks to me….My UNHAPPINESS....I have even pointed it out…….have even said “Hey Shocker…..Why would u wanna be with someone who makes u feel like this…or.....more importantly.....one who DOESN'T make you feel like that….?”
Shocker doesn’t know…….well…not totally true...……..
Shocker plays the luv card……..but I have seen enough card tricks in my time to know when one should fold their hand…
And ask for a new dealer.
I actually borrowed this from someone's Blog today as it totally reflects my current mood...
Here it is...
The way I currently perceive me....
How I C ME
How I FEEL ME.....
Here I am......
In all MY splendor...
have you ever taken a step or two back and came to the most absurd realization that the person you think you are, is in fact a lie?
have you ever taken the blanket that covers your lies, your insecurities, your fucked up realities away and saw… nothing?
have you ever just wanted so badly to just be who everyone else can be. Live how everyone else can live. Breathe a breath at a time.
have you ever had someone tell you you look well, happy. And want to slap them for lying to your face.
have you ever said out loud that you just need to be alone. When in reality you are lonely.
have you ever wanted to just stop.
just, fucking stop.
Moving on........
I had another not so nice convo today with Shocker......so I asked NB for some advice regarding my current shocking situation......she told me I should walk away as there are more things about Shocker that bug me than good.......which I guess in a sense is true. I mean.......there are things that just simply BUG me so much that I literally want to throw the phone across the room 68% of the time we are chatting up my minutes. But the remaining 32% of the time things are pretty copasetic. Is 32% enough? I don’t know........I just don’t know anything at the moment. All I do know is that I am not happy. ......and when one is with someone or sort of with someone that should be one's state of grace shouldn’t it?
Happy.
Happy?
Do we really get happy from the relationship we are in? Isn’t happiness a state of mind? Doesn’t happiness reflect what we really feel about ourselves? I have always thought so.........I have never been one to rate my current happiness by the relationship I am in at any given moment. I have never looked to another to make me happy nor have I ever allowed myself to be someone's happy whore...I believe that in order to be truly happy one needs to like oneself ...then and only then...can one offer themselves 100% to another and be HAPPY in a relationship..........
So I guess I have answered my own question now haven’t I?
I am currently not HAPPY with mlyfe (MY LIFE)…..and until I am ……I am not capable of giving someone else anything positive. or anything that resembles a happy relationship.
I truly believe this is so blatantly obvious when Shocker talks to me….My UNHAPPINESS....I have even pointed it out…….have even said “Hey Shocker…..Why would u wanna be with someone who makes u feel like this…or.....more importantly.....one who DOESN'T make you feel like that….?”
Shocker doesn’t know…….well…not totally true...……..
Shocker plays the luv card……..but I have seen enough card tricks in my time to know when one should fold their hand…
And ask for a new dealer.
Friday, April 15, 2005
HeartBurn
Well I have heartburn and heartache.........not a nice combo......too many Chimichanga Burrito’s/Shockeroo ordeals….......
I feel a bit overdosed/overwhelmed ...a bit well-done/redundant..full-up/empty... all of which... are not good combo's.......
Obviously..
So work went as well as work can go. I worked with the Mormon Dancing Queen and Tissue...although Tissue left 4 hrs early leaving me and the MDQ to our own devices. We managed quite well as we kick ass together....but the poor MDQ was in a rather foul mood as he really dislikes Tissue.....she has a tendency of asking his opinion on topics that do not apply to our working environment.
For instance: One day she was working with him and out of the blue asked him if he thought it was odd or inappropriate that her husband masturbated if she hadn’t had sex with him in 3 days.....the MDQ was a bit shocked and taken aback as this came out of left field.....he calmly told her that he didn’t think this was an appropriate topic for him to comment on and he felt very uncomfortable discussing anything that had to do with her husband and his self pleasing fetishes.(I, myself had a few scenario answers for her question/dilemma, but as luck would have it she didn’t ask me.....I cant imagine why?)
I remember while he was re-living this horrid experience how his demeanor changed…. the MDQ is usually a very mellow, laid- back guy…with a very sweet disposition…. but when he talks about Tissue or if she comes within 3 FT. of him…he looks like a man possessed….it would be almost comical if you didn’t feel for him…..Tissue seems to have this affect on about 99.9% of our staff…
So ...ever since then the MDQ cannot stand her.... and I cannot blame him...Tissue is one of those people that just doesn’t get it...and I doubt very much if she ever will.........I mean who would just walk up to someone u barely know and ask them something so utterly personal? Who asks a guy co-worker this? Well… TISSUE does!...
Tissue needs to clean up her act...
If that’s possible…
Moving on........
I had a very odd convo today with Shocker.........I was sort of asked a question.......and I lied. I lied becos I don’t feel comfy with this whole situation......and I don’t like not being in control.........at all..........so I lied.......and I hate lying........but at the time it was all I could think of to do.......
OK......my PC is bugging me in a big way........it is way LAG.........time to clean it up a bit I think....
Time to clean up many things.......
Spring Cleaning has taken on a totally different meaning for me this yr.
Funny how that is......
then again........
I feel a bit overdosed/overwhelmed ...a bit well-done/redundant..full-up/empty... all of which... are not good combo's.......
Obviously..
So work went as well as work can go. I worked with the Mormon Dancing Queen and Tissue...although Tissue left 4 hrs early leaving me and the MDQ to our own devices. We managed quite well as we kick ass together....but the poor MDQ was in a rather foul mood as he really dislikes Tissue.....she has a tendency of asking his opinion on topics that do not apply to our working environment.
For instance: One day she was working with him and out of the blue asked him if he thought it was odd or inappropriate that her husband masturbated if she hadn’t had sex with him in 3 days.....the MDQ was a bit shocked and taken aback as this came out of left field.....he calmly told her that he didn’t think this was an appropriate topic for him to comment on and he felt very uncomfortable discussing anything that had to do with her husband and his self pleasing fetishes.(I, myself had a few scenario answers for her question/dilemma, but as luck would have it she didn’t ask me.....I cant imagine why?)
I remember while he was re-living this horrid experience how his demeanor changed…. the MDQ is usually a very mellow, laid- back guy…with a very sweet disposition…. but when he talks about Tissue or if she comes within 3 FT. of him…he looks like a man possessed….it would be almost comical if you didn’t feel for him…..Tissue seems to have this affect on about 99.9% of our staff…
So ...ever since then the MDQ cannot stand her.... and I cannot blame him...Tissue is one of those people that just doesn’t get it...and I doubt very much if she ever will.........I mean who would just walk up to someone u barely know and ask them something so utterly personal? Who asks a guy co-worker this? Well… TISSUE does!...
Tissue needs to clean up her act...
If that’s possible…
Moving on........
I had a very odd convo today with Shocker.........I was sort of asked a question.......and I lied. I lied becos I don’t feel comfy with this whole situation......and I don’t like not being in control.........at all..........so I lied.......and I hate lying........but at the time it was all I could think of to do.......
OK......my PC is bugging me in a big way........it is way LAG.........time to clean it up a bit I think....
Time to clean up many things.......
Spring Cleaning has taken on a totally different meaning for me this yr.
Funny how that is......
then again........
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Lasts
Stolen from The JagSpot
Last Cigarette: 12 hours ago (dammit)
Last Alcoholic Drink: Samuel Adams ( Tuesday Night)
Last Car Ride: Commute to work today
Last Movie Seen in Theaters: King Arthur
Last Movie Rented: The Incredible's
Last Cuss Word Uttered: She's a useless piece of shit (in reference to a useless piece of shit I am currently working with....... YOU WORTHELESS PIECE OF SHIT!!)
Last Beverage Drank: 7UP
Last Food Consumed:Chimichanga Burrito from COSTCO .....YUM!!!
Last Time Showered: This AM (I shower everyday...sometimes twice)
Last Phone Call: SHOCKER
Last Text Message: SHOCKER (but I don’t think Shocker has text) ;(
Last TV Show Watched: CSI Miami
Last Shoes Worn: White Reeboks...so comfy
Last CD Played: Queensryche Promised Land
Last CD Bought: See above.... also Operation Mindcrime and Hear In The Now Frontier by Queensryche
Last Annoyance: working with The Useless Piece of shit at work...YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!!!
Last Disappointment: Zilla and Clogs... Portland
Last Thing Written: this
Last Word Spoken: Why didn’t he tell you!!?? (Conversation with me Aunt regarding why she was waiting for me @ work when I told Kuntjoy N2 was taking me home and didn’t need a lift) I guess that is more than one word..but o well....
Last IM: 5/8
Last Weird Encounter: hmmm...I have one about every other minute...when I look in the mirror...
Last Ice Cream Eaten: Baskins & Robins Pink Peppermint .... YUUMMM!
Last Time In Love:I still am........
Last Time Hugged: Miss Secretary @ work when she seen me...after I had been gone in Spokane with Mr. C...she luvs me...but hey...what’s not to love!?
Last Shirt Worn: My Tommy Hill* white tee w/ fluorescent green and pink PREP writing on it.....way fab!
Last Web page Visited: Hit the JAG Spot
Last Thing Lost: Keys ,Celly, Wallet and my Fucking MIND!!!...(Still have yet to claim that at the Lost & Found)
Last Regret: Being so dumb as to not know who my real friends are......or let me re-phrase that....... knowing that said people pretending to be my friends were never my friends...and are not capable of being anyone's friend for that matter......so basically.......wasting my time......on the phony bitches of P.O
Do I sound somewhat bitter?
NaH!!
Last Cigarette: 12 hours ago (dammit)
Last Alcoholic Drink: Samuel Adams ( Tuesday Night)
Last Car Ride: Commute to work today
Last Movie Seen in Theaters: King Arthur
Last Movie Rented: The Incredible's
Last Cuss Word Uttered: She's a useless piece of shit (in reference to a useless piece of shit I am currently working with....... YOU WORTHELESS PIECE OF SHIT!!)
Last Beverage Drank: 7UP
Last Food Consumed:Chimichanga Burrito from COSTCO .....YUM!!!
Last Time Showered: This AM (I shower everyday...sometimes twice)
Last Phone Call: SHOCKER
Last Text Message: SHOCKER (but I don’t think Shocker has text) ;(
Last TV Show Watched: CSI Miami
Last Shoes Worn: White Reeboks...so comfy
Last CD Played: Queensryche Promised Land
Last CD Bought: See above.... also Operation Mindcrime and Hear In The Now Frontier by Queensryche
Last Annoyance: working with The Useless Piece of shit at work...YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!!!
Last Disappointment: Zilla and Clogs... Portland
Last Thing Written: this
Last Word Spoken: Why didn’t he tell you!!?? (Conversation with me Aunt regarding why she was waiting for me @ work when I told Kuntjoy N2 was taking me home and didn’t need a lift) I guess that is more than one word..but o well....
Last IM: 5/8
Last Weird Encounter: hmmm...I have one about every other minute...when I look in the mirror...
Last Ice Cream Eaten: Baskins & Robins Pink Peppermint .... YUUMMM!
Last Time In Love:
Last Time Hugged: Miss Secretary @ work when she seen me...after I had been gone in Spokane with Mr. C...she luvs me...but hey...what’s not to love!?
Last Shirt Worn: My Tommy Hill* white tee w/ fluorescent green and pink PREP writing on it.....way fab!
Last Web page Visited: Hit the JAG Spot
Last Thing Lost: Keys ,Celly, Wallet and my Fucking MIND!!!...(Still have yet to claim that at the Lost & Found)
Last Regret: Being so dumb as to not know who my real friends are......or let me re-phrase that....... knowing that said people pretending to be my friends were never my friends...and are not capable of being anyone's friend for that matter......so basically.......wasting my time......on the phony bitches of P.O
Do I sound somewhat bitter?
NaH!!
Hot
In a word.....to explain last night.
HOT
yea.....and that’s all I am going to divulge .....
So Mr.C has no luck.......my mother would say that if it weren’t for bad luck he would have no luck at all............and that is as fitting as it gets with regards to him. Seems yesterday he was in another fender bender.........I mean this kid cannot DRIVE.......but according to him he can.......he is the best driver this side of Indianapolis.....BUT if u were 2 ask my family...well they would have a diff tale 2 tell. So my insurance company has already called me......so we shall see if they will even cover his stupid ass as I didn’t add him to the policy as his driving record is well.............tarnished just a tad??? a wee tad bit...........
that’s an understatement..........in a big way
I must be off to the 'ol jobola...........wish I would have slept better........I tossed and turned all night again..........but I was dreaming about someone..........so it wasn’t all-bad...........
HOT
yea.....and that’s all I am going to divulge .....
So Mr.C has no luck.......my mother would say that if it weren’t for bad luck he would have no luck at all............and that is as fitting as it gets with regards to him. Seems yesterday he was in another fender bender.........I mean this kid cannot DRIVE.......but according to him he can.......he is the best driver this side of Indianapolis.....BUT if u were 2 ask my family...well they would have a diff tale 2 tell. So my insurance company has already called me......so we shall see if they will even cover his stupid ass as I didn’t add him to the policy as his driving record is well.............tarnished just a tad??? a wee tad bit...........
that’s an understatement..........in a big way
I must be off to the 'ol jobola...........wish I would have slept better........I tossed and turned all night again..........but I was dreaming about someone..........so it wasn’t all-bad...........
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Sleep
I slept
13 hours.....
Thank You GOD!!!
I think it may have been working with a hangover.....or the not sleeping in 10 days......hard to say.......but it may have been the exhausting discussion I had with Shocker.........I truly think that may have been what took me over the Zzzzzzzzz edge....
That conversation prior to me falling asleep....well that needs to be addressed here.....
We were getting along very well.........well.......in a good way.....so to speak.....
Then for some reason .......it all went to shit.....its as if we are not on the same page.....at all...........I don’t know what it is...........I do actually......there is a reason I am holding back.....one in particular and perhaps maybe I will share that with Shocker someday.....but not right now.......
I will say this.......
I do have feelings for you Shocker....very strong ones......they are just numb right now.....and I will explain that to you one day.......I care about you.....and I think of you .......all the time......you have shown me that I can love again......cos I really didn’t think I could......but pls understand that I am not in a place right now where i can share mylfe......with you or anyone........
If I were in that place.......it would be you.......and only you..
Darren Hayes
Light
The light, it flickers
Your light, travelling down so deep
Illumination
I have been cold, I have been blind
You have come to change my mind
I can put my faith in you
The light, it blisters
Your light, coming down so bright
Transformation
Turn it up, give me some room to grow
Turn it up, give me that sense to know
I have been cold, I have been blind
You were sent to change my mind
I can put my faith in you
For something ordinary
It's so extraordinary
I trust, I put my faith in you
In you
In you, in you
In you, in you
The light, it glitters
Your light, when I stand this close
It's almost blinding
Turn it up, give me some room to grow
Turn it up, give me the sense to know
I have been changed, I have become
I have flamed under the sun
I'm the reflection of you
For something ordinary
It's so extraordinary
I trust, I put my faith in you
In you
In you, in you
In you, in you
In you, you, you
For something ordinary
It's so extraordinary
I just, I put my faith in you
In you
In you, in you
In you, you, you
It flickers
It blisters
It glitters
In you, in you
In you, you, you
You are
13 hours.....
Thank You GOD!!!
I think it may have been working with a hangover.....or the not sleeping in 10 days......hard to say.......but it may have been the exhausting discussion I had with Shocker.........I truly think that may have been what took me over the Zzzzzzzzz edge....
That conversation prior to me falling asleep....well that needs to be addressed here.....
We were getting along very well.........well.......in a good way.....so to speak.....
Then for some reason .......it all went to shit.....its as if we are not on the same page.....at all...........I don’t know what it is...........I do actually......there is a reason I am holding back.....one in particular and perhaps maybe I will share that with Shocker someday.....but not right now.......
I will say this.......
I do have feelings for you Shocker....very strong ones......they are just numb right now.....and I will explain that to you one day.......I care about you.....and I think of you .......all the time......you have shown me that I can love again......cos I really didn’t think I could......but pls understand that I am not in a place right now where i can share mylfe......with you or anyone........
If I were in that place.......it would be you.......and only you..
Darren Hayes
Light
The light, it flickers
Your light, travelling down so deep
Illumination
I have been cold, I have been blind
You have come to change my mind
I can put my faith in you
The light, it blisters
Your light, coming down so bright
Transformation
Turn it up, give me some room to grow
Turn it up, give me that sense to know
I have been cold, I have been blind
You were sent to change my mind
I can put my faith in you
For something ordinary
It's so extraordinary
I trust, I put my faith in you
In you
In you, in you
In you, in you
The light, it glitters
Your light, when I stand this close
It's almost blinding
Turn it up, give me some room to grow
Turn it up, give me the sense to know
I have been changed, I have become
I have flamed under the sun
I'm the reflection of you
For something ordinary
It's so extraordinary
I trust, I put my faith in you
In you
In you, in you
In you, in you
In you, you, you
For something ordinary
It's so extraordinary
I just, I put my faith in you
In you
In you, in you
In you, you, you
It flickers
It blisters
It glitters
In you, in you
In you, you, you
You are
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Yuck
So last night I decided to drink.......not to get drunk.......to sleep........and 5 beers later I fell asleep and only woke up once......so I did sleep, but now I feel like death and being the idiot I am.....I have to work feeling like this......so I am sure that my already impatient attitude will be in full force tonight. Speaking of my impatience.......it is getting worse.......and WORSE. I have never been all that patient.....I am rather high strung for the most part.......going a thousand miles a minute.....so when it comes to waiting patiently for someone to get out what they need or walk across a room like a snail I am about ready to implode.....I really wish I did have more patience......but.......I just don’t. This is one of the many reasons I am getting out of the medical profession.........and going into the Business field........The Business world needs more high- strung-stressed out-insomnia -stricken-perfectionists......
Yes indeedy.
Moving on.......
I had a very strange conversation last night with Horsey.......trying to get across why I feel the way I do ....and do the things I do.......... I don’t think it went very well.......nope.
I really don’t think it did.....I woke up feeling like an ass......but that’s what I get for trying to make someone see what I am saying with a Sammy buzz on.........everything tends to get tweaked out and pushed completely out of perspective ....leaving one with a bad taste in their mouth..... which is not a result of the brews and fags......
Next agenda on the 'ol blog...well that would be.....
College
Oh that beautiful and glorious establishment of advanced education .oh how I love it so.....fuck me runnin........if it aint so........well......once again I am the queen of procrastination......I have to finish 7 assignments in Political Science by the 29th ......13 assignments in Biology.......create a website ........and lemme see.......take 3 finals.....
Fucking fabulous........
But!
It is doable as…..
I will have the house to meself tomorrow as Mr.C is heading up to Spokane to get his transplant testing done.......he will be poked and prodded and evaluated for 2 days......nothing to horrible, just a lot of interviews and such. I wish I could go with him.....but I just can’t take the time off from school..........dammit.
I hope he knows that I am always with him......regardless if it’s physical...I know it sounds corny but that’s just how I look at it....
I always will
Yes indeedy.
Moving on.......
I had a very strange conversation last night with Horsey.......trying to get across why I feel the way I do ....and do the things I do.......... I don’t think it went very well.......nope.
I really don’t think it did.....I woke up feeling like an ass......but that’s what I get for trying to make someone see what I am saying with a Sammy buzz on.........everything tends to get tweaked out and pushed completely out of perspective ....leaving one with a bad taste in their mouth..... which is not a result of the brews and fags......
Next agenda on the 'ol blog...well that would be.....
College
Oh that beautiful and glorious establishment of advanced education .oh how I love it so.....fuck me runnin........if it aint so........well......once again I am the queen of procrastination......I have to finish 7 assignments in Political Science by the 29th ......13 assignments in Biology.......create a website ........and lemme see.......take 3 finals.....
Fucking fabulous........
But!
It is doable as…..
I will have the house to meself tomorrow as Mr.C is heading up to Spokane to get his transplant testing done.......he will be poked and prodded and evaluated for 2 days......nothing to horrible, just a lot of interviews and such. I wish I could go with him.....but I just can’t take the time off from school..........dammit.
I hope he knows that I am always with him......regardless if it’s physical...I know it sounds corny but that’s just how I look at it....
I always will
Monday, April 11, 2005
Evil
I was visiting a buddies Blog today and it seems he has a rather evil Blog..........so me being me...... I decided to see how evil I rated
and well........
Here ya go.......
Tonight was an interesting night.......Worked with N2 and pretty much just chilled out.......Although I did find out that Israel......N2's BF's best friend thinks I am quote ..unquote........"hot"......and would like to take me out.......I was a bit flattered as he is extremely cute and sweet......I mean a really nice guy......but...I don't think so......I am not into getting involved with my friends friends if ya know what I mean.....Its a recipe for disaster on so many levels......and BEEN THERE DONE THAT!!!!......I have learned me lesson.........
Although, I am glad I have someone to flirt with and drive crazy......
I am such an evil bitch...
and well........
Here ya go.......
Tonight was an interesting night.......Worked with N2 and pretty much just chilled out.......Although I did find out that Israel......N2's BF's best friend thinks I am quote ..unquote........"hot"......and would like to take me out.......I was a bit flattered as he is extremely cute and sweet......I mean a really nice guy......but...I don't think so......I am not into getting involved with my friends friends if ya know what I mean.....Its a recipe for disaster on so many levels......and BEEN THERE DONE THAT!!!!......I have learned me lesson.........
Although, I am glad I have someone to flirt with and drive crazy......
I am such an evil bitch...
Damaged
This sums up my state of my mind.... and life as of late for that matter.........
QUEENSRYCHE
Damaged
Waiting for the feeling to subside,
Paranoid, I melt into myself.
They say I'm to reach inside and find
the broken part of my machinery.
Psychoanalyze the chapters
on the path to my darkest day.
Searching for the answers,
all I see is damage through the haze.
Picking up the pieces of my life
with no direction for re-assembly.
The one that lays beside me
is sharing scars of my broken yesterdays.
Will tomorrow find me hypnotized? Crying?
Mother Mary in control,
domineering stranglehold
sowing destructive seeds
for the scavengers to feed.
Driving the nail into my head,
memory flows like a river.
With the one that lays beside me
I'm healing scars from my childhood memories.
Tomorrow finally found me.
I'm hypnotized. I'm trying...
to understand the chapters
of the path from my darkest day.
Searching for the answers
but there's DAMAGE!
QUEENSRYCHE
Damaged
Waiting for the feeling to subside,
Paranoid, I melt into myself.
They say I'm to reach inside and find
the broken part of my machinery.
Psychoanalyze the chapters
on the path to my darkest day.
Searching for the answers,
all I see is damage through the haze.
Picking up the pieces of my life
with no direction for re-assembly.
The one that lays beside me
is sharing scars of my broken yesterdays.
Will tomorrow find me hypnotized? Crying?
Mother Mary in control,
domineering stranglehold
sowing destructive seeds
for the scavengers to feed.
Driving the nail into my head,
memory flows like a river.
With the one that lays beside me
I'm healing scars from my childhood memories.
Tomorrow finally found me.
I'm hypnotized. I'm trying...
to understand the chapters
of the path from my darkest day.
Searching for the answers
but there's DAMAGE!
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Will
My Buddie the The Cap'n sent me a nice version of a Living Will.......I thought it was o so appropriate ....as .......it is word for word what I myself, want in the event I succumb to a Terry S. situation.....
LIVING WILL
I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind
and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial
means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of
peckerwood ethically challenged politicians who couldnt pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for
a cold beer, it should be presumed that I wont ever get better. When
such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children
and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call
it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the hypocritical members of the
Legislature (State or Federal) enact a special law to keep me on
life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their
own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education
and future of the millions of Americans who arent in a permanent
coma.
Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case.
I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge
for their run for the presidency, it is my wish that they play
politics with someone elses life and leave me alone to die in peace.
I couldnt't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to
legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these
people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade
on my behalf.They should mind their own business, too.
If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a
political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make
his or her existence a living hell.
___________________________ Dated ______________________
Signature
__________________________________
Witness
__________________________________
Witness
In other news.....
My insomnia is back AGAIN!!! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!
This my sleeping schedule for the past 2 nights.
Fall asleep @ 12:30AM
wake up @ 4AM
Watch TV and surf until 8AM.....Fall into a fitful sleep.
Wake up @ Noon....
so I am getting about 4 hours of sleep in 2 different cycles throughout the night......and I feel like a flippin zombie.....I am hoping this will run its course in the next few days as I need to be alert and aware for my finals coming up at the end of the month........
Me ribs are mucho better......I can actually do daily activities without limping and wincing...so I am happy in that aspect.....
I am right now trying to decide whether or not I want to vacuum or clean out the fridge......Either or.........Neither is something I am privy to doing on me day off.......but as all things in mlyfe.......it has to be done.......
such is life........
LIVING WILL
I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind
and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial
means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of
peckerwood ethically challenged politicians who couldnt pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for
a cold beer, it should be presumed that I wont ever get better. When
such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children
and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call
it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the hypocritical members of the
Legislature (State or Federal) enact a special law to keep me on
life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their
own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education
and future of the millions of Americans who arent in a permanent
coma.
Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case.
I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge
for their run for the presidency, it is my wish that they play
politics with someone elses life and leave me alone to die in peace.
I couldnt't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to
legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these
people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade
on my behalf.They should mind their own business, too.
If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a
political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make
his or her existence a living hell.
___________________________ Dated ______________________
Signature
__________________________________
Witness
__________________________________
Witness
In other news.....
My insomnia is back AGAIN!!! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!
This my sleeping schedule for the past 2 nights.
Fall asleep @ 12:30AM
wake up @ 4AM
Watch TV and surf until 8AM.....Fall into a fitful sleep.
Wake up @ Noon....
so I am getting about 4 hours of sleep in 2 different cycles throughout the night......and I feel like a flippin zombie.....I am hoping this will run its course in the next few days as I need to be alert and aware for my finals coming up at the end of the month........
Me ribs are mucho better......I can actually do daily activities without limping and wincing...so I am happy in that aspect.....
I am right now trying to decide whether or not I want to vacuum or clean out the fridge......Either or.........Neither is something I am privy to doing on me day off.......but as all things in mlyfe.......it has to be done.......
such is life........
Friday, April 08, 2005
Personalities
Went to work last night...........well I wouldn’t call what I did last night working.......I pretty much just walked around and followed N2 all night while she did my work.......as I was in severe fucking pain..this is getting so old.....da pain is..........anyhoo........she didn’t seem to mind...she was all to happy to have me back as she now has someone to talk too........the only problem was she kept cracking me up as this grrl is LAUGHS.......the more I laugh the more pain I am in..it was a vicious night..........and it didn’t end after work........she offered to give me a ride home and I said sure as Mr. C needs to rest.....we head to her house as she needs a pack of cigs.........(my house is about 4 blocks away, but I guess she cant make it that far with out a hit of nic) so we sit down.....she offers me a beer.......calls her BF and proceeds to tell me we are going out.........OK...what the hell............although I am in pain ...holding my side and wincing......but… I am a trooper so I head out............we hit The Litter Box and in walks N2's BF Willard and his buddy Israel ..........conversation ensues..........all are having fun.....N2 is getting wasted.......I am casually sipping on my beer as I have eaten enough painkillers to kill a small cow and don’t feel the need to meet the ER Doc ........as I was saying ......... we are casually making small talk…..BUT Willard is getting on my nerves in a big way…..we all remember that little boy on the playground that teases and chases the girl cos he likes her so much? The one who says he doesn’t like her , but we all know he secretly is crazy about her? Well that’s what I felt like last night……..I am not saying Willard is crazy about me……….but he likes me……cos he wouldn’t let up with the snide remarks and sexual innuendos……….making remarks about everything from my sexuality to my looks to fucking everything……….well I kept up with him for a bit…….I am not a baby……I can give as good as I get………but after about 2 hours of this I am like…….”whoa here big fella………I am not into this lil game”….so say something to him about his age……….”what are you 26?” …”Ummmmm no”…….. he replies….”I’m 24”…. “Obviously”…I say………… he just gives me this look……..Israel gets exactly where I’m going with this………Willard replies about how old I am.……trying to get across I am TOO OLD....and I simply state that I am no longer accustomed to individuals who make it a habit of using insults as a platform for a conversation……… “Blank look from Willard”………seems he likes making N2’s GF’s cry or some such shit……….I then again reply “Are they that stupid?”……….this time Willard understood and apologized……and wouldn’t stop apologizing…….of course now I feel bad…as he is just a kid…..but I mean………I am not used to this and haven’t been in ages……….. The guys that usually talk to me are nothing but civil and nice…anyway…the night ended shortly after as N2 is extremely wasted and extremely pleased with how I handled her BF as she loses all her friend due to his demeanor and actions…we leave…. they drop me off…….and I go to bed……..
Just a big clash of the mature woman and the little boy…….trying to be a man..
Fun stuff
Speaking of fun stuff….I now get to return to work………Mamma B is working with me tonight…..she offered to take my load……….I feel a bit better today…….but I am sure that will change after I arrive at the ‘ol J.
Just a big clash of the mature woman and the little boy…….trying to be a man..
Fun stuff
Speaking of fun stuff….I now get to return to work………Mamma B is working with me tonight…..she offered to take my load……….I feel a bit better today…….but I am sure that will change after I arrive at the ‘ol J.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Strange
Ok so life is an odd thing now isn't it? I mean really........Seems my joboal hasn't accepted the fact that I no longer wish to work there......I am on the damn schedule today.......So me.....Being me.....Will go in.........What the hell? I called last night for shits and giggles to see if I was on today's schedule and it seems I am......I didn't even show up on Monday(Although I don't really think I was supposed to).......Called in Tuesday....and figured that would be enough.Guess not. I am not a quitter....Never have been......I usually just get to a stage to where I don't give a fuck and slack and wait to be told.. "Hey.....We don't need you anymore.....So you may go"...Which is for me .... AOK.....but seems they don't want to let me go..or rather maybe they want me to come in so they can tell me face to face Buh Bye! That is going to piss me off.....as to me its a waste of my time to go into a place and be told I am no longer an employee.........When they can do it over the phone or just take me off of the schedule....so we shall see.......
Moving on......
Mr.C has appointments next week with the kidney transplant coordinators.......to get all his testing up to date......and get moved up on the list.......which is really good......cos he is pretty much down to the end of the wire with where he can have anymore fistuals put in........so after we get all his testing up to date.......he will then receive his beeper and then its the "Hurry up and wait" game.......always fun...
I best get showered and try and get rid of this coffee buzz I have accumulated this AM......I am all jittery and jumpy.....Hate it......Feel like a nervous wreck......but that's what happens when you wake up at 7AM....Bright eyed and bushy tailed......Drink JAVA......and twiddle your thumbs.......
plus take care of your finacial aide BS for next the school next year.....
Update
The ribs are better today.....still paining me some......but not so much I cant move without wincing.....I still cant sneeze or laugh.......that still makes me uncomfy.....but other than that I feel I may live.........
I just might.......
Sidenote
Spell check on the Blogger here sucks ass!!!!
In a big way!
so Blogger Gods I suggest you get on that........
ASAP
Moving on......
Mr.C has appointments next week with the kidney transplant coordinators.......to get all his testing up to date......and get moved up on the list.......which is really good......cos he is pretty much down to the end of the wire with where he can have anymore fistuals put in........so after we get all his testing up to date.......he will then receive his beeper and then its the "Hurry up and wait" game.......always fun...
I best get showered and try and get rid of this coffee buzz I have accumulated this AM......I am all jittery and jumpy.....Hate it......Feel like a nervous wreck......but that's what happens when you wake up at 7AM....Bright eyed and bushy tailed......Drink JAVA......and twiddle your thumbs.......
plus take care of your finacial aide BS for next the school next year.....
Update
The ribs are better today.....still paining me some......but not so much I cant move without wincing.....I still cant sneeze or laugh.......that still makes me uncomfy.....but other than that I feel I may live.........
I just might.......
Sidenote
Spell check on the Blogger here sucks ass!!!!
In a big way!
so Blogger Gods I suggest you get on that........
ASAP
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Loss
So I (of course) have not written about the loss of the Pope nor Terry S. I guess I feel that the 24/7 coverage is enuff and reading another Blog about those certain events is not necessary. So instead of writing about what I know everyone knows I will instead write about what I feel.........
Terry- She deserved to die with more dignity than having her photo splashed about the world....Did anyone stop to consider if she would have wanted her photo in every magazine, Newspaper, and TV show? I think not............The debate about whether or not she should have been allowed to stay connected to the feeding tube is of course a delicate matter. I however, am against such said measures after a certain amount of time. Perhaps it has to do with watching my late mother suffer with MS for 11 yrs........and the current situation with my brother.......my thoughts are if one is injured......and has a chance at returning to a normal life...........meaning a life with substance, where one can enjoy their families and lives....I am all for it.....as at a certain point the need for such interventions will no longer be necessary....Its for the individuals who will never be the same....Who are in constant need of care.........cannot survive without 24/7 assistance that I begin to have issue.
...I am in awe of how far medical science has come, what we can accomplish with regards to illness and treatments......Transplants.......Medications.....Etc...I am very thankful for medical science as without it my brother would not be here today........the issue I have with medical intervention is this.........if one has an episode or an accident......like the one Terry S. had........a stroke I made a mistake here.....she actually had a heart attack due to being Bulimic which thus resulted in her being brain damaged due to having NO oxygen for over 10 minutes....this is when ethics and morals come into play. The knowledge the Doctors had when they first examined her ...that...she was brain damaged to such an extent that she would never be the same..........that she could never live without constant medical attention.......at that moment.....right then and there...... is when one needs to ask.......Was she supposed to of died? Who are we to keep her alive when she is not capable of any coherent thought, and never will be? Who are we to truly know what she would have wanted? When do we stop playing God?
I believe that a law should be put into effect for every citizen with regards to having a living will......It should be a requirement just like having a license or an ID..........everyone should be able to put in writing what they want done in the event something catastrophic happens........this will alleviate any and all court proceedings........and stop draggin out an individuals life for a decade or more.........
Pope-I am not catholic. Although I should be. My family is catholic. German Catholics.......very strict Catholics........my mother told my brother and I to make our own choice..........as she wasn't given the option............I still haven't been baptized...........but I believe in God.......
I believe the Pope lived a very long and fulfilling life.....gave his life to his church and his religion, not to mention God. Pay tribute to Pope John Paul II ...... remember his accomplishments..... Let him rest in piece. Choose a successor........
One who will fulfill the needs of the Church and the people.
Terry- She deserved to die with more dignity than having her photo splashed about the world....Did anyone stop to consider if she would have wanted her photo in every magazine, Newspaper, and TV show? I think not............The debate about whether or not she should have been allowed to stay connected to the feeding tube is of course a delicate matter. I however, am against such said measures after a certain amount of time. Perhaps it has to do with watching my late mother suffer with MS for 11 yrs........and the current situation with my brother.......my thoughts are if one is injured......and has a chance at returning to a normal life...........meaning a life with substance, where one can enjoy their families and lives....I am all for it.....as at a certain point the need for such interventions will no longer be necessary....Its for the individuals who will never be the same....Who are in constant need of care.........cannot survive without 24/7 assistance that I begin to have issue.
...I am in awe of how far medical science has come, what we can accomplish with regards to illness and treatments......Transplants.......Medications.....Etc...I am very thankful for medical science as without it my brother would not be here today........the issue I have with medical intervention is this.........if one has an episode or an accident......like the one Terry S. had........
I believe that a law should be put into effect for every citizen with regards to having a living will......It should be a requirement just like having a license or an ID..........everyone should be able to put in writing what they want done in the event something catastrophic happens........this will alleviate any and all court proceedings........and stop draggin out an individuals life for a decade or more.........
Pope-I am not catholic. Although I should be. My family is catholic. German Catholics.......very strict Catholics........my mother told my brother and I to make our own choice..........as she wasn't given the option............I still haven't been baptized...........but I believe in God.......
I believe the Pope lived a very long and fulfilling life.....gave his life to his church and his religion, not to mention God. Pay tribute to Pope John Paul II ...... remember his accomplishments..... Let him rest in piece. Choose a successor........
One who will fulfill the needs of the Church and the people.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Ribs
I just now returned from my ER venture.......seems my ribs aren’t broken.....I have pulled the cartilage in me ribs...this is what me DR told me....."Direct blows to the ribs may bruise or break the ribs or injure to the rib cartilage. The ribs may tear away from the cartilage that attaches them to the breastbone. This tearing away from the cartilage is called a costochondral separation".
So that is what I am suffering from costochondral separation....this here defines exactly what I have been fearing the past 3 days "The initial chest pain may subside, but over the next few hours or days pain increases with movement, interfering with sleep and activity and becoming severe with coughing or deep inspiration. The patient is often worried about having a broken rib, and may have a sensation of bony crepitus or abnormal rib movement".
The fearing of having a broken or fractured Rib was really my main concern as this can cause severe damage to my organs..e.g puncturing a lung ....or some other necessary organ..............
So needless to say I will heal in about 3 weeks........Doc told me to try and breathe deeply as I am now prone to catching pneumonia.......seems I am breathing more shallow now without knowing it and so I have to remember to breathe DEEP.........yea sure...........that shit hurts doc!!!.........
I bet you are all wondering how this lil ingery here happened to me.... right?
Well..........I was having a nice time with me buds in Portland.........and Binks........my best guy buddy gave me a really big hug.......a bear hug............and he seems to forget how strong he is.. He’s like 6'4 and 230 lbs.......and he seems to 4get how fragile I am........I mean I may act all tuff.........but I am still a grrl..........tall.....thin.......and fragile........well he comes up behind me and picks me up.......and SQUEEZES.....like a Boa Constrictor.........I remember yelling at him to let me go........he did...............and I felt a lil dizzy but OK.......it wasn’t until I woke up @ 2AM that I felt the initial pain..........OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........I managed to get through the day......with the help of Mr. Advil and YagerMyster ....was a slow painful day but I took it slow....and the next day I flew home......I had a few "emergency" pills to get me through the flight and the 2 hour drive home......it was the minute I got home and relaxed that the pain really hit........Mr. C gave me one of his vicodin.........and I was OK............yesterday was sheer hell..........so today I just couldn’t bear it any more............no insurance or not.....I went in..........I think the worrying was the worst part.......not knowing what was wrong......and the fact I cant move without wanting to cwy..........So I will live..........
Moving on............I will now try and give a better description of me trip to Portland. All was going well.....I seen everyone...........we all met and had a good time..............Patti Anne, Clogs, Binks,Suzilla and even Lori dropped in 4 a sec.........we ventured back to Zilla'z house to finish off the night...........was the next day that it turned to shit........I woke up in excruciating pain....and Clogs and Zilla were feeling no pain and ready to start the day off with breaky......so we went and had breaky........I couldn’t eat...or sit......or breathe......here I am trying to be fun......as they haven’t seen me in ages......and I can barely force a smile.........well I asked if we could leave and we did.......Zilla wanted to mow her lawn and so I decided to leave for a bit......thought maybe a drive would make me feel better........plus her House is FREEZING......so I leave.....and I take my things and put them in me car as I never leave my belongings anywhere.......past experiences have learned me well..........anyway I leave and say I will return........I drive for a bit........half looking for a hotel as I wasn’t up to sleeping in the freezing house in a cold bed (with other lovely attributes)......anyway..........about this time Binks calls me and asks me where I was......I tell him....he shows up.......we are sitting laughing and chatting when my cell rings......is Zilla............I ignore as I am not in the mood to deal with her at the said moment...........about 40 minutes later I call my voicemail ........she is going on about how I must have decided to leave b4 my weekend was over.......and then she begins to accuse me of STEALING from her........her bracelet or some such shit.......at first I think she is talking about the bracelet she had given me but noooooo.......tis the one her BF gave her........
OK so I call her.........we exchange words...........and that was that........in less time than it takes to flush the toilet she had thrown away are entire friendship...............accusing me of stealing from her.....which just blows my mind as I lived with her for a year........took care of her house, truck, everything..........I knew where all her stuff was.......I had access to everything..........if I was going to steal from her I would have done it when I moved.....not when I return for a visit..........wait.......I wouldn’t in a million years steal from her or any of my friends........
I cannot fathom how she could even begin to think about accusing me........so to sum it up..........I am no longer friends with her.........or Clogs as her behavior was basically... "OH Well" she wasn’t exactly in corner......... "Not my problem......" I believe that was what she said......seems her only problem is the affair she is having with the married man she is working with right now.......but that’s a diff story.........although I did tell her she was stupid......how she can sleep at night is beyond me........perhaps that’s why she wasn’t exactly rooting for me.......I don’t know.......
Binks summed it up best "What did u expect? Its Zilla!".....Well I expected to NOT be accused of stealing......I expected to not have Clogs back her up.....I expected to be treated with a little respect..........that’s all.............I did nothing wrong.......was on my best behavior....hell I was actually rather sedate.........as I was more concerned with my brother .......regardless...........I will not be returning.......and I will not be talking to Zilla nor clogs again.........in this lifetime...........seems such a waste..........it really does..........life is too short....I guess they don’t see it.......I do..........I always have.
Again........moving on........
This is turning out to be a really long Post .........but oh well.........I am now going to try and eat...........and clean up a bit.......if I can......hurts to move........Mr. C and I are quite a pair.......he's hobbling around after his surgery..................I’m hobbling around.........We be the Hobblers....
Ok then.........
I best try and get soemthing consrtuctive done....
So that is what I am suffering from costochondral separation....this here defines exactly what I have been fearing the past 3 days "The initial chest pain may subside, but over the next few hours or days pain increases with movement, interfering with sleep and activity and becoming severe with coughing or deep inspiration. The patient is often worried about having a broken rib, and may have a sensation of bony crepitus or abnormal rib movement".
The fearing of having a broken or fractured Rib was really my main concern as this can cause severe damage to my organs..e.g puncturing a lung ....or some other necessary organ..............
So needless to say I will heal in about 3 weeks........Doc told me to try and breathe deeply as I am now prone to catching pneumonia.......seems I am breathing more shallow now without knowing it and so I have to remember to breathe DEEP.........yea sure...........that shit hurts doc!!!.........
I bet you are all wondering how this lil ingery here happened to me.... right?
Well..........I was having a nice time with me buds in Portland.........and Binks........my best guy buddy gave me a really big hug.......a bear hug............and he seems to forget how strong he is.. He’s like 6'4 and 230 lbs.......and he seems to 4get how fragile I am........I mean I may act all tuff.........but I am still a grrl..........tall.....thin.......and fragile........well he comes up behind me and picks me up.......and SQUEEZES.....like a Boa Constrictor.........I remember yelling at him to let me go........he did...............and I felt a lil dizzy but OK.......it wasn’t until I woke up @ 2AM that I felt the initial pain..........OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........I managed to get through the day......with the help of Mr. Advil and YagerMyster ....was a slow painful day but I took it slow....and the next day I flew home......I had a few "emergency" pills to get me through the flight and the 2 hour drive home......it was the minute I got home and relaxed that the pain really hit........Mr. C gave me one of his vicodin.........and I was OK............yesterday was sheer hell..........so today I just couldn’t bear it any more............no insurance or not.....I went in..........I think the worrying was the worst part.......not knowing what was wrong......and the fact I cant move without wanting to cwy..........So I will live..........
Moving on............I will now try and give a better description of me trip to Portland. All was going well.....I seen everyone...........we all met and had a good time..............Patti Anne, Clogs, Binks,Suzilla and even Lori dropped in 4 a sec.........we ventured back to Zilla'z house to finish off the night...........was the next day that it turned to shit........I woke up in excruciating pain....and Clogs and Zilla were feeling no pain and ready to start the day off with breaky......so we went and had breaky........I couldn’t eat...or sit......or breathe......here I am trying to be fun......as they haven’t seen me in ages......and I can barely force a smile.........well I asked if we could leave and we did.......Zilla wanted to mow her lawn and so I decided to leave for a bit......thought maybe a drive would make me feel better........plus her House is FREEZING......so I leave.....and I take my things and put them in me car as I never leave my belongings anywhere.......past experiences have learned me well..........anyway I leave and say I will return........I drive for a bit........half looking for a hotel as I wasn’t up to sleeping in the freezing house in a cold bed (with other lovely attributes)......anyway..........about this time Binks calls me and asks me where I was......I tell him....he shows up.......we are sitting laughing and chatting when my cell rings......is Zilla............I ignore as I am not in the mood to deal with her at the said moment...........about 40 minutes later I call my voicemail ........she is going on about how I must have decided to leave b4 my weekend was over.......and then she begins to accuse me of STEALING from her........her bracelet or some such shit.......at first I think she is talking about the bracelet she had given me but noooooo.......tis the one her BF gave her........
OK so I call her.........we exchange words...........and that was that........in less time than it takes to flush the toilet she had thrown away are entire friendship...............accusing me of stealing from her.....which just blows my mind as I lived with her for a year........took care of her house, truck, everything..........I knew where all her stuff was.......I had access to everything..........if I was going to steal from her I would have done it when I moved.....not when I return for a visit..........wait.......I wouldn’t in a million years steal from her or any of my friends........
I cannot fathom how she could even begin to think about accusing me........so to sum it up..........I am no longer friends with her.........or Clogs as her behavior was basically... "OH Well" she wasn’t exactly in corner......... "Not my problem......" I believe that was what she said......seems her only problem is the affair she is having with the married man she is working with right now.......but that’s a diff story.........although I did tell her she was stupid......how she can sleep at night is beyond me........perhaps that’s why she wasn’t exactly rooting for me.......I don’t know.......
Binks summed it up best "What did u expect? Its Zilla!".....Well I expected to NOT be accused of stealing......I expected to not have Clogs back her up.....I expected to be treated with a little respect..........that’s all.............I did nothing wrong.......was on my best behavior....hell I was actually rather sedate.........as I was more concerned with my brother .......regardless...........I will not be returning.......and I will not be talking to Zilla nor clogs again.........in this lifetime...........seems such a waste..........it really does..........life is too short....I guess they don’t see it.......I do..........I always have.
Again........moving on........
This is turning out to be a really long Post .........but oh well.........I am now going to try and eat...........and clean up a bit.......if I can......hurts to move........Mr. C and I are quite a pair.......he's hobbling around after his surgery..................I’m hobbling around.........We be the Hobblers....
Ok then.........
I best try and get soemthing consrtuctive done....
Monday, April 04, 2005
Home
I am back, with a cracked rib.
I am going to the DR tom. to get a script....I am in so much pain its unreal.
Binks!!!
The trip was.....not so good....was good 2 c Patti Anne and Binks....even Clogs......but suzilla can fall off of a cliff........
I'm done
o
I quit my Job 2 day as well....cannot work with a cracked rib......and the J will not believe me.......Pissed off over Mr. C as it is........so fuck em! Right where they eat.....more time to focus on school and PS ...........(Shocker knows what this means)...................................
So .........I am in no shape to write now......the only way I am managing is thanx 2 Mr.C's surgery pills................so I will end this ..........just know I am happy 2 B home.........happy I know who MY REAL FRIENDS ARE and happy to have MR.C and Domino in the same house....
I have to lie down and die!!
THANK YOU BINKS!!!
CockKnocker!!!
I am going to the DR tom. to get a script....I am in so much pain its unreal.
Binks!!!
The trip was.....not so good....was good 2 c Patti Anne and Binks....even Clogs......but suzilla can fall off of a cliff........
I'm done
o
I quit my Job 2 day as well....cannot work with a cracked rib......and the J will not believe me.......Pissed off over Mr. C as it is........so fuck em! Right where they eat.....more time to focus on school and PS ...........(Shocker knows what this means)...................................
So .........I am in no shape to write now......the only way I am managing is thanx 2 Mr.C's surgery pills................so I will end this ..........just know I am happy 2 B home.........happy I know who MY REAL FRIENDS ARE and happy to have MR.C and Domino in the same house....
I have to lie down and die!!
THANK YOU BINKS!!!
CockKnocker!!!
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Leaving
I am all set to leave.
- I have made all the necessary calls.
- Finished the assignment due this week.
- Made arrangements for Domino (Mr.C's Kitty).
- Packed....entirely too much as usual
- Transferred necessary funds
I think that is about all......I woke up at 7AM.......to get everything arranged as I am not sure when I will be returning..............so the day started something like this.......did the assignment.....made calls to Mr.C's People..and locked myself out of the house.......ahhh yea....after I had checked to make sure I had bolted and locked all the windows.........uh huh.........I was heading nxt door to speak with Kuntjoy.......and 4got I had the door locked behind me.....SLAM!...OH SHIT!!!! I cry..........needless to say after a bit of twisting and squirming I got my skinny butt in my window after Kuntjoy flicked the stick out of the window.......in the process I pulled something in my leg.....OUCH!!......I have since walked it off.......but it hurt like the dickens......did I just say dickens? Christ. anyway......I need 2 B sure to put a longer stick in the window as that is a nice way for me neighbors to take us 4 whatever it is they would want......Whatever that may be......
Mr.C just rang me....seems they put a hickman catheter in his chest......and he is in serious pain......fuckers......Y cant they leave him alone? Y !!!!!!!!!!
There are a lot of Y's going through my head as of late ......... at the moment I have no time to elaborate.......nor do I think I really want too........not today
maybe later.
when I get back.........
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
stress
I woke up this AM......went to make the coffee......make the call.....you know 2 C how my brother was doing when in walks Kuntjoy........apparently Miss James had called him saying that my brother called her stating that the surgery had been cancelled and he wanted her to come up there.........
Ok........I am abit upset about this bit of info.....and apparently it is true as the hospital cannot find any record of him.....as while Kuntjoy is explaining this to me......I am on the phone with about 4 individuals at SH.....so I am a bit worried now as yesterday Mr.C was doing his " I cannot live like this anymore and I wont let them put another graft in me ....and " Well you et the picture. I then tell Kuntjoy that this is why I don’t want this grrl around him as now I don’t know what to believe.....if he is freaking out cos he couldn’t have the procedure done or if she has misconstrued the info......and so on......I am also kicking myself as I now remember why I always go with him as when this happens I am there and deal with the situation without him running off ........
So I leave a message for Mr. C to call me NOW.....or I am coming up there......
So I wait and wait.......
ring ring
Its him......Just GOT out of surgery......seems like I said......Miss James had it all messed up.....BUT.......Mr. C said the surgery might have been a bust ....they were going to try and dialyze him.......and if it didn’t work they would have to do the other surgery....I then say I am coming up there.....He absolutely doesn’t want me there..which is ......well BS! I mean this really hurts me.....he is adamant about it as well.....so here I sit......worried.....not knowing.......great fun.....
Kuntjoy told me to take the Jimmy if I wanted......I told him I would wait and see what happens with the big D.......if he can be run....then I will wait until tom. if not.....I am heading up.....
tuff tities Mr.C
Thats what big sisters do....... love you even when you dont want 2 be loved......
other than that........I am just trying to keep busy...fixed the vacuum....."the bran new Hoover mind you"....read a few blogs......checked on my assignments.......and basically talked and shouted to myself all day........
fun.
I find myself missing someone though.......allot.......times like this is when you wonder if you didn’t make a mistake......having someone love you is not always great, but then again love is not always sunny beautiful days......
Ok I am off to tan.......try and get out of here 4 a sec...........
The CELLY is practically a part of my anatomy 2day......I cant miss a call.......
I am worried sick....
Ok........I am abit upset about this bit of info.....and apparently it is true as the hospital cannot find any record of him.....as while Kuntjoy is explaining this to me......I am on the phone with about 4 individuals at SH.....so I am a bit worried now as yesterday Mr.C was doing his " I cannot live like this anymore and I wont let them put another graft in me ....and " Well you et the picture. I then tell Kuntjoy that this is why I don’t want this grrl around him as now I don’t know what to believe.....if he is freaking out cos he couldn’t have the procedure done or if she has misconstrued the info......and so on......I am also kicking myself as I now remember why I always go with him as when this happens I am there and deal with the situation without him running off ........
So I leave a message for Mr. C to call me NOW.....or I am coming up there......
So I wait and wait.......
ring ring
Its him......Just GOT out of surgery......seems like I said......Miss James had it all messed up.....BUT.......Mr. C said the surgery might have been a bust ....they were going to try and dialyze him.......and if it didn’t work they would have to do the other surgery....I then say I am coming up there.....He absolutely doesn’t want me there..which is ......well BS! I mean this really hurts me.....he is adamant about it as well.....so here I sit......worried.....not knowing.......great fun.....
Kuntjoy told me to take the Jimmy if I wanted......I told him I would wait and see what happens with the big D.......if he can be run....then I will wait until tom. if not.....I am heading up.....
tuff tities Mr.C
Thats what big sisters do....... love you even when you dont want 2 be loved......
other than that........I am just trying to keep busy...fixed the vacuum....."the bran new Hoover mind you"....read a few blogs......checked on my assignments.......and basically talked and shouted to myself all day........
fun.
I find myself missing someone though.......allot.......times like this is when you wonder if you didn’t make a mistake......having someone love you is not always great, but then again love is not always sunny beautiful days......
Ok I am off to tan.......try and get out of here 4 a sec...........
The CELLY is practically a part of my anatomy 2day......I cant miss a call.......
I am worried sick....
Monday, March 28, 2005
Gone
Mr.C has made it up to Spookaloo......his surgery is in the AM.....he absolutely refused to let me go with him..........so I will be there Wed......he likes to handle things on his own......and this time I let him......Usually I tell him I am going with him whether he likes it or not.....but this time I let him have his way..perhaps another reason might be that I really wasn't up to the drive and watching him get poked and prodded again.........nope.......cant say that I am up 4 that.......but......if he needs me I will be up there in a NY minute........no doubt.
Moving on........
I am so tried you have no idea.........Exhausted.......and all I wanna do is eat ice cream and watch the tube.......which I think I will do........
I found out something today........I was somewhat disappointed, but I am grateful I found out......put things back into perspective for me.......no more 'wondering'.....no more......thankfully..cos lemme tell you not knowing something sometimes takes up to much damn energy............
I am off........
Moving on........
I am so tried you have no idea.........Exhausted.......and all I wanna do is eat ice cream and watch the tube.......which I think I will do........
I found out something today........I was somewhat disappointed, but I am grateful I found out......put things back into perspective for me.......no more 'wondering'.....no more......thankfully..cos lemme tell you not knowing something sometimes takes up to much damn energy............
I am off........
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