Happy

I am using this today as a way to get out what I am currently feeling...well I use this venue everyday as a way to get out what I am currently feeling...

I actually borrowed this from someone's Blog today as it totally reflects my current mood...

Here it is...
The way I currently perceive me....
How I C ME


How I FEEL ME.....

Here I am......

In all MY splendor...


have you ever taken a step or two back and came to the most absurd realization that the person you think you are, is in fact a lie?

have you ever taken the blanket that covers your lies, your insecurities, your fucked up realities away and saw… nothing?

have you ever just wanted so badly to just be who everyone else can be. Live how everyone else can live. Breathe a breath at a time.

have you ever had someone tell you you look well, happy. And want to slap them for lying to your face.

have you ever said out loud that you just need to be alone. When in reality you are lonely.

have you ever wanted to just stop.

just, fucking stop.



Moving on........

I had another not so nice convo today with Shocker......so I asked NB for some advice regarding my current shocking situation......she told me I should walk away as there are more things about Shocker that bug me than good.......which I guess in a sense is true. I mean.......there are things that just simply BUG me so much that I literally want to throw the phone across the room 68% of the time we are chatting up my minutes. But the remaining 32% of the time things are pretty copasetic. Is 32% enough? I don’t know........I just don’t know anything at the moment. All I do know is that I am not happy. ......and when one is with someone or sort of with someone that should be one's state of grace shouldn’t it?

Happy.
Happy?

Do we really get happy from the relationship we are in? Isn’t happiness a state of mind? Doesn’t happiness reflect what we really feel about ourselves? I have always thought so.........I have never been one to rate my current happiness by the relationship I am in at any given moment. I have never looked to another to make me happy nor have I ever allowed myself to be someone's happy whore...I believe that in order to be truly happy one needs to like oneself ...then and only then...can one offer themselves 100% to another and be HAPPY in a relationship..........

So I guess I have answered my own question now haven’t I?

I am currently not HAPPY with mlyfe (MY LIFE)…..and until I am ……I am not capable of giving someone else anything positive. or anything that resembles a happy relationship.

I truly believe this is so blatantly obvious when Shocker talks to me….My UNHAPPINESS....I have even pointed it out…….have even said “Hey Shocker…..Why would u wanna be with someone who makes u feel like this…or.....more importantly.....one who DOESN'T make you feel like that….?”

Shocker doesn’t know…….well…not totally true...……..
Shocker plays the luv card……..but I have seen enough card tricks in my time to know when one should fold their hand…

And ask for a new dealer.